Take two

I had this oh so long, funny, informative post yesterday and blogger decided it wasn't good enough so *poof* away it went into the blogosphere never to be seen from again. *whimper

This one won't be long, funny or informative. Just warning you.

Had a great time with Kayla and Ashley. She showed no interest in crocheting but continuously beat my butt at Wii. The one time that I won she looked at me and said "Really? You'd beat a kid with cancer?". Brat. Loved Brat.

Mike and Bre made it here safe and home again safe. The inbetween time was great. We had Thanksistmas here at the house. I'm not saying it went off without a hitch, because what holiday is complete without a hitch or two. Like my mother saying she would bring the ham and at the last minute letting me know that she was too tired to do the ham. And then dealing with the mother-in-law not having ham and hearing how she didn't like turkey. Needless to say the mother figure will not be relied on again and is only allowed to bring non-essential items to holiday dinners. Like, say, saltine crackers. Nobody would miss saltine crackers, right?

Then we all headed to the cabin. Beautiful weather, fun family and friends, big bonfire. And a little thing I like to call the Oklahoma Polar Bear Express, or OPBE or even Dawnya's Dumbass Idea. I said earlier in the year - like in July when it's hotter than Hades and it's been long enough to forget how cold it gets - that I was going to jump in the river the Saturday after Tday. So come Friday night I'm hearing a lot of "you won't do it's". I've never grown up past the point of not doing something that someone says I won't do it in that I dare you tone. AND - I had talk to the owner of the cabin that had said that the water was actually warmer than the surrounding air so I wouldn't be cold until I got out. So thinking I had one up on everyone - AND - having talked my gullible sister-in-law into doing this with me come Saturday morning we sprinted out of our nice warm beds and ran and jumped into the river. That man that owns the cabin? He's a freaking LIAR!! Holy mother of all that's good - that water was freaking cold. I lost my breathe and my toes went numb in about 2 seconds flat!

Thank goodness the cabin has two showers! And plenty of hot water!

Aren't you glad this second post about the same crap is so much shorter? :)

Happy Holidays!

Odds and ends again - or maybe it's just odds

Got the inside of the house decorated. Rob's promised to get the outside lights hung before I get back. He's also making an extra leaf for my table as we're having quite a few people for T-day this year. Good man! I think I'll keep him.

Lori's gone to Mexico for a short vacation, so I'm staying with Kayla and Ashley for 3 days. I have to admit, I worry about walking that edge of being an over-protective mom while Lori's gone. I plan on cleaning her house while she's gone. You can tell she's been overwhelmed, so I figure that's one gift easily given.

I've brought my crocheting with me, thinking maybe I can get Kayla interested. She's been so blah, bored and down lately that maybe something none tiring will get her out of the doldrums. I can't imagine how it feels to be a 14 yr old stuck at home, feeling like crap but at the same time being bored out of your mind.

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving plans are coming together!

Home Sweet Home

I've spent this week up at the hospital with my mother. 5 kidney stones removed. Ouch.
I'm tired of hospital food, hospital air and hospital hours, among other things.

I'm starting to decorate the house for Christmas. We're celebrating Christmas on Thanksgiving on my side of teh family. I'm staying with Kayla for 5 days in the middle of the month, so I need to get it done before then. I need a list that I can start checking off. :)

I'm 48 - REALLY?

What the hell happened and where did 20 years of my life go? I don't feel 48, well maybe I do, but when you're 28 you think 48 is oooollllld. And I don't feel oooolllld. We're not counting those mornings, mkay?

Anywhoos, the birthday day was fun. Cook out on the river. Rob made fried mushrooms and balsamic onions and grilled sliders on Hawaiian rolls. It was a beautiful day and the river was peaceful. Had a good croquet match. I will never be generous with Dennis Patrick again and that boy is being "sent" anytime I get the chance!

Kayla's counts are still very low - 275. To start this next round of chemo they need to be 750. They're giving her another week off. The Dr said counts are usually this low at this point in the treatment but that given that they gave her last week off treatment she was hoping to see a bigger bounce back. That's worrisome. And I hate that she has such low counts now that flu season is kicking off. So say some prayers or send good thoughts.

I'm in the process of crocheting scarves for Christmas. I was in the mall a few weeks ago and it looked like crocheted scarves were "in". So for my twin nieces and Bre I'm crocheting scarves for their stocking stuffers. I purchased some very funky and fun yarn online and I have all these buttons from my grandmother so I'm going to use a few in each scarf as adornment.

I bought a black leather shag rug for the living room. Deep cleaning before I put it down. Hopefully the dogs doesn't think it's one big chew toy. I have one under the dining room table that they leave alone but it's smaller and sits underneath something. I don't have a coffee table yet so it'll be wide open.

Birthdays Week and Poached Eggs

This is Birthday week - as I previously posted this was the BFF's 40th, my Mom's is today and mine is Saturday.

I spent the day with my mom at the hospital yesterday. She had a kidney stone that wouldn't pass. She's recuperating today. In a few weeks we'll do it all over again for her other kidney. Fun! No fun birthday for her this year.

Saturday Rob's throwing me a cookout at the river. This. I am looking forward too!

And on a different note - I find myself loving poached eggs. I owe it all to Gordon Ramsey. He always makes a big deal out of a perfectly poached egg, so I took that as a personal challenge. I googled and researched and watched some youtube videos. And then attempted my first poached egg. And then I attempted again - as the first on was a complete failure. By my seventh egg I was a egg poaching machine. They're so silky - I had to search for that word - no grease - egg white cooked thru - yellow warm and runny. Some salt and fresh cracked pepper and yummy! I think Rob is getting a bit burnt out on all the poachy goodness, but I think if I can make a good eggs benedict he'll be happy again. :) Off to watch a few youtubes.

The Big Four Oh

Lori's fortieth was yesterday. And I hurt today. I can't remember the last time I had a hangover. And now I remember again why I don't drink excessively. I blame the Jello shots!

And the chocolate cake shots. And the pineapple upside down cake shots. And the rattlesnake shots. And that shot of moonshine I was dared to take. *groan

As bartender I was the most popular girl at the party. And then we went dancing.

This is directed to my calves. Calves, be prepared. I'm ashamed of you. How can you possibly be this sore after a few hours of dancing?! Be prepared, because you and I are going to get into better shape.

Kayla's feeling better. But her counts are at all time low's. She's going to the Carrie Underwood concert tonight. The Dr gave grudging approval as long as she wears a mask the whole time. And while I have major reserves about this I understand trying to take care of her and let her be a teenager too. I think I tend to be more of the mom in "My Sisters Keeper". It worries me that it's flu season, but they will be in a suite so less people. They did bejewel the mask. :D

Off to find some more asprin.

Date Day

Rob and I had kind of disconnected lately. He was busy, I was busy - it happens sometimes. So we decided we just needed an US day yesterday.

So we got up early and headed into Tulsa. The State Fair was in town so we thought we go to that and be open to anything else.

You have to pass by a Bass Pro Shop to actually get to Tulsa from our house. Lucky me. So Rob looks longingly so being the good wife that I am, we exit and go. I'm a watcher, meaning I like to watch people and either a) make up their life story - this is highly entertaining sitting in an airport lounge. Except you wouldn't believe how many international spies pass thru our airports! And not all of them are handsome. Or b)watch how they interact with their families and surroundings.

I decided after finding a cozy bench on the second floor that overlooks the lower floor that there are four types of men that go to Bass Pro Shop. There are the hunters, there are the fishermen, there are the hunter/fishermen and then there are the guys that heard that if you have a penis and two balls that you should WANT to go to Bass Pro Shop but get there and wonder what all the fuss is about.

I did witness a charming scene of a father and son playing a game of checkers. Or....it was some pervert trying to kidnap a kid. Hmmmm.

Then we stopped at a party store and picked up shot glasses for the party next weekend. And killed about an hour in Barnes and Noble. I love their comfy chairs!

Then off to the fair we went. Us and EVERYONE else in and around the state! Parking was horrendous. But it was all worth it when the ticket woman told me I had great hair! :D

I should never be allowed to go to a fair. Ever - it's dentrimental to my health - I tried chocolate covered bacon and took one bite - ok, two - bites of a hamburger who's bun was a - ok, two - krispy creme doughnuts. But I balanced it out with a roasted ear of corn and a freshly squeezed lemonade.

It's also detrimental to my pocketbook. I'm a self confessed kitchen gadget whore. *hangs head I can't help it. Those hawkers are hypnotists. My steps faulter even with Rob pulling me along and pretty soon I'm at a complete stop. Then my head starts nodding in agreement when they're telling me I can't live without The Miracle Kitchen Whiz, or whatever that piece of plastic that now resides in my cabinet is called. It's not until the next morning that their spell wears off and I feel a little disoreinted and wonder where that Whiz came from!

After sitting in the beer garden and trying a Scottish lager, not bad, we wandered back to the car. Broke, tired but reconnected. Yay us.

Softball, scarves and boys

So last night was Ashley's - Kayla's big sister -senior night softball game. For those of you unfamiliar with school sports - senior night is the night the senior's on the team are honored along with their parents. It is not the night that senior's get in free.

Anywhoos, we were all there. I forgot our chairs. I am not a blechers girl - they kill my back so I was sad that my chair was an hour away. :( Kayla braved the bleachers to sit next to me. With her chair sitting empty I did the eyeball coveting thing all night. *sigh I'm really selfish inside.

Of course Kayla and I were the only ones whooping and hollering. Everyone politely clapped when others names were called. I told Kayla - give out a big old whoop when they call Ash -Ashley said "I knew they were going to do that!" We giggled. :D

She now has a boyfriend - because of the Asperger's was kept back a grade so he's in her grade but is a younger man. :) She made a point of saying that, I told her all the smart women got them young and trained them the way they wanted. That's what I did with Rob. She says he asks how she's feeling everyday and calls alot. He was the one assigned to be her homework buddy - which I think is a great program.

Anyway, that's my update.

Hypocrites in the dark

You know, I don't know if I'm just really on edge right now and things are just hitting me wrong but I'm really sick of people.

I'm tired of people on the moral high horse exposing the virtues of not living together before marriage and sitting an example for the kids while I know for a fact you've cheated on every spouse you've had.

And yes, I know I'm probably a little touchy about being told in a round about way that I set a bad example for Bre by living with Rob for 13 years before marrying him. But you can just suck it.

I'm tired of being told I should go to church and be more religious while I know for a fact that you, who goes to church and touts religion like it's a bugle to blow, stabbed you're own kids in the back when it came to their inheritance from their grandparents. They're struggling from paycheck to paycheck and you're building a 4 car garage onto your house. *disclaimer - this is not about me

Hmmm, I think I'll take my position with God over yours any day.

I'm tired of a sibling that is completly and utterly psycho. That befriends 20 year olds so she can feel young again, while I know her kids are wondering why she can't be a Mom to them.

People are just pissing me off!

I wish too

Kayla turns 14 today. She turns 14 while she lays in a hospital bed at Children's Hospital waiting for her next round of chemo. How's that for a sucky ass birthday! I sent balloons. Whoopee.

She went in yesterday and received a round, they kept her last night and she gets another one today at 3:30. I talked to her on the phone for a bit and she sounded good. She said "I'm 14!" and then said "I wish" and then stopped and said "nevermind". We all know what the rest of that sentence is. I wish too.

I had a friend send me a necklace to give her - it's 3 silver rings on a chain. One says Love, another says Hope and the last says Strength. That's Kayla. It's perfect. She's perfect.

All about Bre

She has always been the light in my life - so while all the crap is swirling around I figured what better way to shove it all away for a bit than by focusing on her.

So here's my "all about Bre" post.

The university finally reviewed her Smartscript from the Navy and will accept 33 hours. She needed them to accept 32 in order to graduate next December. Yay! So she went from starting her sophmore year to starting her junior year in one day. You know where I'll be come December 2011! She'll then be applying to the Armed Services medical school. I'll let you know when to start keeping fingers crossed, saying prayers, ect.

She just finished running her first Half marathon. Which she didn't train for. The two weeks prior to the run, she spent in Florida doing her two weeks for the Navy reserves. She amazes me, and I have to admit that her athleticism came from her bio father's gene pool. Because no one on my side of the family would ever think about running any type of marathon. :)

She volunteers for a hospice and her first lady she visited with weekly passed away recently. She's kept in touch with the woman's husband and he called the woman in charge of the hospice to tell her how grateful he was that Bre had been sent to them. The woman took the time to call me (she has this wonderful Scottish accent that I could have listened to all day) to tell me what a special kid I had. I know. :)

Somewhere in the past six years she's gone from being this great kid I was lucky enough to be the one to raise, to this amazing woman that I'm in awe of. Whatever power it is that assigns kids to moms I thank from the bottom of my heart for giving her to me.

Even the teen years were worth it after all. :D

Was hoping for a better month

I'd planned on having Kayla stay with me for a few days this week. She could use a break and so could Mom. But her counts hit a record low of 300 so she's homebound for a while.

The doctor said that the first month the steroid could give a false positive high count, which it did. So now that she's off the steroid her true counts are showing. Which means she's basically at home. This treatment lasts for 56 days, but hopefully her counts will rebound before this leg of the treatment is up.

The math teacher is her homeschool teacher. She visited yesterday and will come twice a week. Mainly it's just the core subjects they'll be pushing and electives she can either do or not. I hate it, because she'd just found a love of drama last year and now can't participate. Stupid disease!

She's still just lightly shedding, no dramatic hair loss yet. Thank goodness.

Dad is going to resume visitation soon, which will be good for Mom. She's been carrying alot on her shoulders.

Anyway, I'm glad a sucky summer is almost over. Sorry Boo.

Divorcing a Sister

I think it should be legal.

I don't even know where to start. My sister and I have not always had a good relationship but over the past few years I thought we'd become close, or at least as close as we'd ever be.

Even though I totally disagree with her relationship with a married man I haven't shunned her and when she's needed to talk I listen. I don't sugar-coat how I feel about what she's been doing but I don't damn her either. And my door has always been open when she's needed somewhere to escape to, which she has used frequently over the past two years, sometimes for weeks at a time.

So the recent issue started when I went with Ashley down to Dallas. That was the week that the boyfriend was with his legitimate family in Mexico on vacation. In the past she's always crashed at my house during those times. I didn't invite her to go with us to Dallas, in fact I didn't even think about it, and if I had I wouldn't have anyway. She's never shown an interest in softball, she's only met Ash twice, and it would have been like keeping a 3 year old entertained while we were down there.

The next issue she has is that even though she didn't show up once to help with the renovation of our mother's kitchen her nose is out of joint about not being invited to the celebratory float trip. Ok, she showed up once. Dressed to the nines, sat and talked for an hour or so and then said she had plans and had to leave. All while my brother and I cut tile and hung backboard and sweated our butts off in 100 degree heat. And in all honesty - I knew she'd be upset over not being invited and I didn't care.

So now she's not talking to me for slights she's made into molehills. And has texted me that I don't understand what has happened and that she's traumatized. Whut?! About what? When asked to explain she says she doesn't want to add to MY plate. What the hell? She uses sentences like "it takes me back to some memories from some place I don't even know". Again - whut?! My not inviting you to Dallas where I'm taking care of Kayla's big sister at a week long softball tournament and then not inviting you to a float trip where you really didn't deserve an invite has traumatized you? I wish I had her problems, but I think I could handle it alot better.

I just can't deal with her drama right now. I think the problem is she's not the center of attention, any attention.

So do you think that if I say "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you" it will work.

Yeah, I didn't think so. And I'm sure this will just be a footnote at some point. But thanks for letting me rant.

First step of treatment - complete

When her treatment plan was first given out the doctor gave us a hand out - a flowchart - with a right and left side. Kind of one of those in magazines where if you answer "yes" then you follow this arrow and "no" you follow that arrow. Well, in this flow chart you always want your arrow to follow the left-side of the page. That's the half of the page that you follow when you're responding to treatment well and it's the less aggressive side with the best results.

She's finished the first leg of treatment - that first crucial month - and been able to stay on the "left side of the page". They wanted her bone marrow to be producing 0% leukemic cells at this point - she's producing 1% but that still keeps her within expected range.

Now she starts the second leg - starting today the chemo doesn't include Prednisone but they are adding the drug that makes you really nauseated and dehydrated. So her moon face and some of the anger will subside over the next couple of weeks but she'll be sick alot more. There are no good side effects to any of this.

Some good finacial news - her dad had gotten laid off this past year and kept his insurance coverage with Cobra, he recently found another job with insurance and had sent in his Cobra letter ending coverage. They never received it. So she has primary and secondary insurance. So even though the insurance companies are fighting about who's primary in the long run the treatment will pretty much be covered. In addition, mom had taken out an Aflac cancer rider on herself this past year, she figured since she's a smoker it wouldn't hurt. She just found out that when she did that they automatically put her kids on it also. So she will get a large check with the initial claim and they will pay 900.00 for every chemo treatment. She's very relieved because she can hire a tutor for Kayla while she's out of school for these first 6 months. And even though everyone would wish that none of this had to be considered good news or needed it sure is a weight off both of their shoulders. Now they can just focus on Kayla and not worry about the mounting bills.

Good News

Kayla's test for the Philadelphia chromosome was negative. Which is really good news. ALL is harder to treat with the Philly chromosome present.

Her good counts are up and bad counts are down - which means she's responding to treatment and they're not going to have to go the more aggressive route at this time.

Her hair is not falling out as rapidly as the doctor predicted. She has a light shedding going on. I'm not saying anything but I do have my fingers crossed that she's in that itsy bitsy teeny percentage that doesn't lose it all.

Her mood and attitude is improving. Although she had a minor breakdown after realizing she has a double chin, from the prednisone. She's also gained 8 lbs, also from the steroid.

I've bought a cool scarf that I'm bedazzling and painting. Hopefully it will never see the light of day.

Softball, heat and stink

Saturday before last Lori called and asked if I could accompany Ashley to Dallas for her 3 day softball tournament on Tuesday. Originally she, Ashley and Kayla were suppose to go, but.... And then Lori's day was going to take her but his doctor nixed that idea on Friday. It's not often that when you tell someone "if there's anything I can do just let me know", so when asked there wasn't hell or high water that could have kept me from going.

I arranged with my offices to work from the hotel, packed Sunday and crammed about 4 days worth of work into Monday. And then we were off come Tuesday morning with the jeep crammed full of coolers, softball stuff and not enough clothes. I told Ash there were only 4 rules, listen to her coach, listen to me, no "L" word or "C" word talk and have fun.

Wednesday was Six Flags, where I kept up with the teenagers (I did take a 30 minute break), rode rides and wore myself out. Team dinner at the Olive Garden. Thursday the tournament started. We were at the fields from 6:30 am to almost 10 that night, luckily we had a breeze and some cloud cover. But I still didn't have a thread of dry clothing on me. Won 3 out of 4 games. Friday was blazing hot, thank goodness for snow cones! Out at the fields from 12 to 8ish, again not a dry thread on me. Not only am I quickly running out of clothes but the hotel room is starting to smell like a man's lockerroom. At a late dinner at IHop and fell into bed. A few of the softball mom's have adopted me as one of their own by this time, which made it a more pleasant trip. Of course I didn't give them much of a choice, it's kind of hard to ignore the crazy woman sitting in your midst yelling for all your kids. Saturday we're still in play and it's way hot and again thank goodness for snow cones. We made it to 5th place out of 23 teams. Ashley played great and had an awesome time.

We got home yesterday about 4 pm and I wanted to collapse but laundry was screaming my name.

Kayla's third treatment of chemo is scheduled for tomorrow. She's still mad at the world at this point. But it seems she's responding well to the chemo. No hair loss as of yet. That will be the next big hurdle.

Kayla

I figured I'd come in and do some cleaning and use this place to vent about this journey Kayla is on. Seems a more appropriate place than OT or facebook.

Kayla is my BF's youngest. July 9th she was diagnosed with leukemia - ALL. She'll be 14 in September. She's as close to a second daughter as I'll ever come.

The following I've para-copied from OT to save time and energy. My enegy seems to have been zapped. " BF has been divorced twice. Two kids, one from each marriage. The oldest child is an easy child, intelligent, kind, witty, easy to parent. The youngest is a handfull - a major handfull. Obnoxious, argumentative, impulsive, willfull, has now been diagnosed with Asperger's but very mild, creative, moody and intelligent. She's my favorite."

I'm inserting a Kayla story here to give you a better idea of this crazy child. :) Two years ago at the end of the school year Ashley brought home the school yearbook with a "Mom! Come here and look at this!" Kayla was in lots of pictures. Lots of pictures she shouldn't have been in. She was in the soccer group photo, the choir group photo, the basketball group photo, the drama group photo (I'm sure there are others but...). So Lori had Kayla come in and explain. Seems on photo day Kayla's class had a substitute teacher. The announcement for drama group picture came over the speaker to assemble in the auditorium. Kayla was bored so decided having a picture taken was better than being bored. So she just got up and left the room and headed to the auditorium. No one even questioned her, not even the group when she inserted herself. She did that each time an announcement came over and no one ever told her she couldn't have her picture taken with them. Asked by her sister why she wasn't in the football pic her reply was "boys stink". I admit it. I laughed. Hard.

So she was admitted on Friday. By Monday she'd been poked, prodded, jabbed, a port installed and her first round of chemo. Test results showed that 95% her bone marrow was producing leukemic cells. But the leukemic cells had not gotten into the spine, so a round of chemo was injected into her spinal column.

Lori had the doctor tell her she has leukemia. After the doctor had gone thru her spiel about leukemia and such Kayla said "I have a question. Are you saying I have cancer?" When the doctor said yes she did Kayla asked if she was going to lose her hair. When the doctor said yes she was. Kayla's response was "that fucking sucks!" Lori didn't know whether to laugh or cry or scold. Her and the doctor both laughed.

General random info: Kayla went into the hospital with a count of 49,000. Normal is between 4300 and 10800. After the first round of chemo it had dropped to 4500. The test results for the Philadelphia chromosome hasn't come back yet. She'll start losing her hair probably sometime this week or next. She got to go home Friday night and goes back in today for her second treatment.

Here's the thing that hit me - She basically has to live in a bubble for the first month because she's suseptible to everything. Home schooled for the first 6 months and frequently won't be able to attend after that. Treatment lasts about 2 1/2 years. There will be days where her count is such that she can't leave the house and then there will be days that her count is good enough that it might be "let's go see a movie" day. For her age group with the results of tests that have come back so far she falls into the survival rate of somewhere around 40% after 5 yrs.

To paraphrase Kayla - this fucking sucks.

Wow - I've neglected my blog

I even have a half written post hanging out about Christmas, but now it seems dumb to post. I may at one point just so as my memory fades I can read about Christmas 2009. :)

I don't even have anything much to write about right now. Just thought I'd come here and dust her off a bit.