The Story of Bre and Mike

Because it should be written down.

Bre graduated high school in May of 2004. She'd already joined the Navy her junior year of high school and I fully supported her choice. She left for Navy bootcamp the last of that June. She was determined to be at the top of her class there and at A school as her goal was to end up in Hawaii.

On the east coast in Philadelphia was an 18 year old boy that was into partying a lot and was getting into some trouble. He knew he didn't want that life so came home one day and told his mom he'd joined the Navy and would be going to bootcamp in August. No one wanted him to go, not family or friends. He arrived in bootcamp 5 weeks after Bre.

He told me once the first time he saw her was across the quad and asked who she was. None of his friends knew her name so he just called her Bella. He never got up the nerve to ask her her name before she graduated the next week. Bre never even noticed him.

When Bre graduated bootcamp she went to A school in Pensacola Fl. The rooms there are in a U shape building. Girls rooms are in the inside of the U, boys are on the outside. 5 weeks after Bre got to A school Mike joined her there. His room and hers shared the back wall. Bre was still focused on being at the top of her class so she studied, a lot. Mike was still the life of the party and was still partying, a lot. Although now it was in his room. He would tell the story of how, many times Bre would come around and politely ask them to turn the music down some only she never saw Mike as he would hide in the bathroom and make his friends answer the door so she wouldn't know it was him being so loud. They still hadn't spoken.

Bre did graduate at the top of her class and did get shore duty in Hawaii. 5 weeks later Mike got orders going somewhere else but at the last minute the orders were changed to Kinea (spelling?). Mike originally thought it was Japan, but when someone told him it was Hawaii his reply was "sweet, that's where that cute brunette went to".

So...5 weeks after Bre got to Hawaii Mike joined her. His cubicle faced hers. Mike's name started popping up into all of our phone conversations. I told Rob I had a feeling she was falling in love. 5 of them decided to rent a nice house. When we went out for the 2 weeks at Christmas it was obvious they were both done, but they were still dancing around a romance. I personally fell in love with Mike and would have been very disappointed had they not gotten together. We spent pretty much the whole two weeks with both of them.

It was probably about 3 months after we came home that she called to say they were dating. When it came time to re-up or get out they both talked. They decided to extend for a year in order to go to Iraq. Both I and Betsy could have strangled both of them. But we were proud at the same time. Mike wound up in Baghdad on the "plush" base. He pretty much had it cush over there. Bre on the other hand wound up on an outer base, with generators that infrequently ran, MRE's or cold sandwiches for food and cold showers. Mike also rarely left base for work, while Bre went on over 75 missions, down streets where IED's had obviously been detonated. I did not know any of this, thank goodness. They got to meet up about 3 times while over there, one being Christmas Eve where Mike told her he wanted to apply to Devgru and wanted her to come to Virginia Beach with him.

They came back in June of 2009. Mike got back first, about two weeks earlier than Bre. When she got in he met her at the airport with flowers and diamond earrings. He applied to Devgru and flew out for an interview. Upon arriving back he told Bre everything went well but the psychologist terrified him. This would later be the same psychologist that came to the house that first week and helped Bre. He's also writing her a recommendation letter to USUHS.

Mike was accepted and after training and setting a record on the Seal's training course that still hasn't been broken was placed on the Gold Team - the premiere team of Devgru. Bre had decided to go reserves and finish college. Mike bought a house, they settled in to life as a couple and things were good. Bre's background made her a perfect partner for someone that was gone a lot and she knew what he did and that it was important.

They had a plan, was enjoying life to the max, was deeply in love and very happy.

Until August 6, 2011 came.

There should be a different ending to this story. I always said it was Fate that they met, that Fate kept throwing him in her face until she wised up. Well, Fate is a stark, raving BITCH.

Part Four and possibly the final part

After Arlington and the memorial things calmed down a bit. People went home, lives got back to normal for most everyone.

My mom went home and the next week and Terri the week after. School started. Bre and I had talked and she said she was determined to finish. Mike would be mad if she didn't because of him, she said. So she's half way thru her last semester, carrying 19 hours and so far has A's. She's amazing. She's participating in a lot of fundraisers and is focused on running the Shamrock marathon in March or April as that was one of Mike's goals.

I've been trying to talk her and Terri into applying for The Amazing Race. She and Mike had already decided not to have kids and just travel. They'd gone skiing/snowboarding in Montana, spent 2 weeks in Ireland, and numerous other trips around the US. So they were well on their way. I think it would be a good diversion for her for a bit.

But her main goal at this point is getting her application in to USUHS by January 1.

I came back to Oklahome the 12th of October and plan on going back to VAB the middle of November. Just to help her get thru that last push and to settle anything that still needs taken care of as far as Mike's estate goes.

I miss Mike terribly - and my very soul hurts for Bre. Things will never be the same, but I hope that there's a New Normal in her future. One that's happy and full of laughter and though I know there will always be a shadow of sadness I think that it will not be so dark one day.

I can tell you this - Bre is one of the strongest, most loving people I know and I'm proud she's my daughter.

There's probably things I should have added and I might come back and edit a few of these posts but for now this is enough.

Part Three

As I said before - I'm mainly writing this for myself. It's the first time I've really tried to put things in order as the whole first month seemed just a blur.

During this time - my mom was still here, Terri (Bre's best friend had flown in and was staying), Matt (one of Mike's best of friends and Terri's former boyfriend) was staying, Rob had flown in for the funeral and the burial. And I may have the next two ceremonies mixed up as Rob wasn't here for the big memorial but was here for the burial. I'll have to check and then may come back here and correct, or if I don't have the emotional energy it'll just be wrong. It's my blog dammit, it's not like I'm going to be fact checked.

So the Memorial for all 31 in Virginia Beach was originally going to be held on base but it was so big they moved it to the convention center in Virginia Beach. We were gathered up by our CACO's, which I think a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome goes on with CACO's - they deliver the worst news of a persons life but within a week you've learned to rely on them to the point of feeling like they are family - Anyway, we were taken to the base. Bre by this time was on autodrive. But when the buses that were taking us to the convention center pulled up everyone laughed. In big blue letters "Fun Tours" was written on the side of each bus. Mike would have gotten a kick out of it. It was about a 15 minute trip and when we turned that last corner a sea of white lined the road. Sailor after sailor was standing at attention as our bus went by. We all got quiet and I couldn't help but let the tears flow. One young female soldies standing there was crying so hard her shoulders were shaking, I'll never know her name but I'll never forget her face.

We were lead in to where those not related were already sitting. All watching as we walked by to take our seats. A large picture of each one was lined up on the stage along with there medal shadowbox - Bre sobbed upon seeing Mike's picture as I'm sure every widow that day sobbed. There was a bomb dog and his handler on the helicopter. The Memorial included the dog and of course his handler. The Commander of the Navy spoke quite eloquently - the best thing he said was " he imagined it went something like this - there was a bright light, then everyone looked around - someone said "what the fuck", someone else said "where the hell are we" and then someone said "who the hell is in charge here and I want to see them". It was a nice mental image and kind of reassuring to think of them altogether. Because I can tell you that even if Mike had known how the night would end he would have still gone with his teammates. Bre on the other hand would have paid someone to run over both of Mike's legs to keep him from this deployment had she known. I personally would trade spots with him in a heartbeat if I could.

Arlington - I actually think this came before the memorial. But we were planning the trip to Arlington - we had a few choices of transportation to choose from - the Navy was chartering some buses, drive ourselves, or a couple of people that was going up offered seats. The problem was that Irene was coming in. So our plan was to drive up Thursday night and then drive back Friday after the service. But then there was the issue of Schmayze - Bre's 95lb Rhodesian Ridgeback. There was no way she was leaving him behind with Irene coming. My mom offered to stay back with Schmayze but I didn't want her staying in a hurricane. So we chose to take two cars. I can't even remember the name of the hotel we stayed at but they were very dog friendly and upon hearing the story waived the dog fee. I need to come back here and make sure I give them due props! Betsy had a friend that kept him while we went to the burial.

17 families out of the 31 decided Arlington would be the place that their loved one was buried. Bre and Betsy was allowed to go to the funeral home and place something in the casket if they wanted. Bre chose to place the toy stuffed squirrel she always stuck in his bag when he left - he called her many names - Breazle, Breagle, Face and Squirrel are just a few (the squirrel relates back to when he "met" her in Pensacola and she'd rescued a squirrel after Ivan swept thru and kept it in her barracks until it could take care of itself). He had it and the bracelet she'd given him on his bunk - Dan grabbed them and sent them to Bre before the could be caught up in his "personal belongings" that were kept until just recently. The bracelet simply reads "LAMU" - love and miss you. - She now wears it every day.

There's not a word to describe the ceremony at Arlington. If you're not a part of it, it's amazing. If you are it's horrifying. But that doesn't do it justice because there's just so much respect, love and honor in that place. We sat in the small church and listened to the pastor give a short sermon, then a soldier played his guitar and sang a song he'd composed. I don't remember one single word but I remember it made me cry a little.

Then we all filed out and the people that had gathered while we were in the chapel was amazing. Hundreds were lined up in rows. A white horse in all it's regalia was hooked up to a white carriage. We walked over a mile to their burial site passing hundreds of graves as we went. My mom was accompanied by Jake, one of Mike's friends and the JAG officer at the command. She just turned 69, has had two hip replacement surgeries and outwalked most of us!

Mike's casket was at the end of the row. There was another short ceremony and then the family members were each given another folded flag. The picture above probably says more than all of these jumbled words could ever say. We chose Arlington because although Mike would probably be embarrassed with all the pomp and circumstance Arlington is a place of honor. Mike deserves all that comes with that honor, and if some some boy or girl walks by his grave one day and is inspired somehow Mike would be good with that.

We heard the Irene actually had picked up speed and were told we shouldn't head back that night. We decided to hunker down in Washington and ride it out there. The Navy had sent guys over to Bre's place to place sandbags in front of doors and tape up windows. So we just collapsed at the hotel. Bre was imploding, I could tell she just needed some breathing room. I talked to Jake about getting her out of there for a bit. He told Terri and Bre that he was staying at the W in Washington and wanted to get them a room for the night. She didn't want to so I all but shoved her out the door. He took them for dinner and drinks and got them a fantastic room. She texted me later "thank you". Jake's just one more person I owe a ton too.

Rob's flights got cancelled until Sunday so he flew out of Washington and then we headed home. We found not much damage at all from Irene. Thank goodness.

PS - that hand on the right? He was someone's very weird son, I had to rescue Bre a few times because he liked to touch. A lot.

PSS - sometime during all of this I experienced my first earthquake.

Part Two

After Dover was over we flew back to Virginia Beach, where a whole gang of Mike and Bre's friends had gathered at the house. They needed to be there as much as we needed them to be. I think that night is when people started to arrive from all over the place. Some of their friends had since left the Navy so they were broke college kids. By that weekend we had 7 blow up beds filled, the sofas were taken and the upstairs bedroom was filled with sleeping bags. I don't think we ever counted how many people were staying there but it was more than I would have ever thought possible.

Alot of VAB friends opened their homes to people they'd never met, but those closest to Bre and Mike didn't want to leave her.

The funeral was set for the 18th - and I have to say here, Mike's mom was and is a freaking rock star. Since Mike and Bre were married yet, she was the next of kin - so any decisions that had to be made were directed at her. She always picked up the phone and called Bre to include her in any decision - from funeral and burial, whether or not to cremate, songs, ceremonies, ect. I owe her so much. So they decided on the funeral to be held in Philly - ah, let me back up. They decided on cremation as Mike's Page Two said he wanted to be cremated and shot into space - so cremation it was (we're still working on the shot into space thing - he's such a brat). So he would be cremated at Dover and then Bre was to assign one of the Navy personnel to accompany him from the moment he was cremated up to the funeral.

Ian is Mike's best friend. Ian's wife Christine is friends with both Bre and Mike, but she has some social issues that makes it hard to be close to her. Plus she has a rivalry issue that puts pressure on the friendship. Plus, she's insecure so she sees slights where no slights exist. So prior to Mike deploying Christine got her feelings hurt because there was a get-together with some of the girls and she didn't get a personal invitation - long story short - she deleted the 5 from her facebook page, including Bre and Ian got irritated with Mike. So the four always got together before one of them deployed - Bre tried calling and Christine wouldn't answer - then Mike tried calling Ian with the same result. Mike finally texted Ian "dude, if something happens to me you're going to feel like the biggest douchebag". Mike left and Ian usually checked up on Bre while Mike was gone but nothing. Bre was pissed, she called me one night and told me the whole story and said "I swear to God if anything happens to Mike Ian better not show his face". Ian and Christine were the first ones over. Ian did feel like a douchebag. Bre named Ian as the person that would look over Mike. Ian sobbed. It was probably the kindest thing Bre will ever do for someone.

On the second Sunday after Mike died people started showing up to the house with grills, steaks, beer (lots and lots of beer), tables, tents, chairs, ect. Bottles of Jameson were opened. Toasts started flowing. It was as close to an Irish wake that I'll ever come. Mike's life was celebrated to the max, and those Seals and Support Teams can celebrate! My mom even took a few shots of Jameson. :)

So the Navy flies Bre and I up to Philly on the Tues before the funeral. The rest of the bunch is caravaning up the next day (Rob was getting into VAB the night we left). The Philly police pick us up at the airport, I can just imagine what people were thinking when we were escorted to a waiting patrol car. They took us to the downtown Sheraton, where the Sheraton had given us the Presidential Suite thru the weekend. I can say this, Philly loves their boys. We were treated like visiting royalty. Our rooms looked out over the church, Cathedral Basilica of SS Peter and Paul - a very old and beautiful church. We were told that Mike wouldn't be there until the next day. Bre was holding up, but very haunted. I played with her hair that night until she feel asleep.

We were also told that the idiots of Westboro were making plans. I think the Warriors Watch Riders, the Philly PD AND Mike's Command were all hoping they would. :) They never showed. Cowards.

Mike was escorted to Philly by the Philly PD, Warrior's Watch Riders and Ian. The closed down the highway along the way. It was very touching. The Philly FOP donated their building for a reception afterwards.

The morning of the funeral it was raining. It felt like even the heavens were crying. We had walked to the church at 8:30. Tons of pictures were placed around the church, few flowers as we had asked for the Neads Foundation to receive donations in lieu of flowers and Mike, in a plain wood box with a brass plack on top. They asked the family along with Bre to form a greeting line and for 4 hours they stood in line greeting the hundreds that came to pay their respects. I pulled up a chair behind Bre and had her lean against me. Then their came a time that I made her take off her heels and slip on some flats I had in my purse. (I'd actually been thinking I'd need them later :) ). At 1 the mass started. It was not as emotional as I had expected, I think ceremonies are a bit numbing.

There was a bit of levity when Mike's aunts cell phone went off. She dug it out of her purse and it said "Mike". Her boyfriend's name is Mike, but Bre and Mike's sister Kaitlyn swears it was Mike interrupting his own funeral, especially after Mike the boyfriend says he didn't call.

After the ceremony we walked out to the fountain area in front. People lined the streets, most with video going so who knows what's on youtube out there. The military had filed out first and were standing at attention, Ian gave a eulogy that was sad, funny and very touching. And then they gave the 21 gun salute and played Taps. I always cry during that part in a movie. I sobbed that day.

The Philly police transported us to the FOP lodge where they had dinner being served upstairs and the liquor and beer was flowing downstairs. Not too many people stayed upstairs very long. We actually left pretty early but the stories we heard the next day - we'll lets just say Mike was famous for dropping his pants when he got drunk - there was much pant dropping (including my husband's I heard) in Mike's name that night. I don't think anyone was feeling very good the next day. As it should have been.

Next up was the memorial for the Gold Team and the burial at Arlington.

Wow - it's been a while

So I ventured into blogland and saw that my last post was way back in January. Long before my world changed. So I figured I'd post a little bit, maybe a lot once I get going.

I thought during the last post that we were going thru one of the worst possible things ever. I laugh now at how wrong I was.

I'm happy to report that Kayla is doing well. Her hair has grown back, she's now back in school and she's still doing maintenance chemo. Next July she should be having a "cancer free" party. Yay!

But as most of you know in August Mike, our Mike, was on the helicopter August 6 that was shot down in Afghanistan. The week before Bre and I had been talking about my 50th birthday next October and how I would most likely be on Tybee Island watching my kid get married. I wanted Mike to wear his dress whites and she was adamantly against it. The morning of August 6th we'd been texting about the Glee Project, I told her I was jumping in the shower getting ready for a cousin's surprise birthday party. I'd just gotten out of the shower and gotten dressed when the phone rang, it was a number I didn't recognize and I ignored it as someone had posted my number on craigslist as selling a large parrot cage and I was not answering strange numbers. They called twice more. Then the phone rang with Bre's number coming up - I answered it with my goofy Hellllooooo thinking she had another thing to add about the Glee Project. A man (whom later I would meet and be introduced to as her CACO, Matt Bieker) asked if this was "Dawnya" and my heart stopped as I could hear Bre wailing in the background. Instantly I thought she'd been in an accident. I answered yes, is that Bre is she alright. He replied that Mike Strange had been killed in Afghanistan and he was there with Bre. My mind froze for a minute and I told him that wasn't possible. Then I told him to let me speak to Bre. He handed her the phone and all she could do was whimper. I told her I was on the first plane out, asked for Matt and told him that somebody better stay with her, I was on my way. I think Delta kicked someone off when I called to make flight arrangements, they were awesome. That was the longest trip of my life. Bre met my mom and I at the airport and when I dropped my bags and ran to her she was shaking like a leaf. I'd worried all the way out what to say, what to do - the reports were on every television in each airport and it just got bigger and bigger. I just whispered that I was there.

Over the first days that passed it was like moving thru water, everything slightly out of focus and very robotic. My main focus was making sure she ate and keep track of everything that was happening. Matt gave us info on what was happening, how it had happened, when they would bring the men home and set up an appt for her with the Command's psychologist.

Three days after the downing they brought them home. We were flown to Dover where the repatriating of the men happens when someone gets killed over there. There usually one suppose to be 3 family members there but this was such a big deal they eased up on that. When we got there the Secret Service and dogs were all over the place. We were held in a large room with all of the other families. Mike's family was one of the last to arrive, they'd been escorted by the Philly PD from Philly as Mike's mom is a police officer. We were suppose to be meeting for the first time at a wedding, not this way.

Obama walked into the room and talked to each individual person with either a shake or a hug. I found myself with my nose in his armpit and wished I was anywhere else for any other reason. I have a picture of us that looks like I'm crying but all I remember saying was I wanted the son of a bitch that did this head on a pike. He said he could promise the pike but they'd get them and we'd know. He also said "if there's anything he could ever do". We'll see.

After that we were lead to a large hangar. It took 2 large transport planes to bring them all back. We sat in folded chairs as the President, Leon Panetta and others stood at attention as each coffin was solemnly taken off the plane and transported to a waiting white ambulance-like vehicle. Four coffins per vehicle. It took three hours and the President never moved except to salute each coffin. At first it was hard as you didn't know which was Mike as no one had been positively identified, so you imagined each one as Mike but then as with time went on you just became numb. Bre held up well, well - let's say she mentally checked out for a while, it was her way of coping.

We were told that Mike was one of the most recognizable, but we also knew that one of the caskets held remains from numerous men and they would most likely be buried like that. She was told that viewing would not be an option, so most recognizable took on a new meaning.

She had received a note from the last guy that had seen Mike - that was still alive - Dan. He said that he was on watch and that when the call came in for the mission that Lou - the CO told him to grab Strange - "tell him if he can be ready in 5 he's with us tonight". Mike had been on missions for the past 3 nights and was suppose to be down that night. Dan found him in his tent reading his English text - he was taking an online class - and said if you can be ready in 5 Lou wants you. Mike's response was "hell yeah". Dan helped him get his gear on and put him on the bus taking him to the helo.

The report says that the rear rotor was hit by an rpg upon take off after successfully completing the mission. That the blast would have either knocked them unconscious or that the spin of the helo would have stopped their hearts and they probably never knew anything. I hope this is true. They were only 300 yrds off the ground. Mike once told his mom, don't worry about me over there, I'm the guy that goes in after the shooting has stopped. The only place I'm really in danger is on the helicopter. --

I'm stopping for now - I'm writing this more for me I guess, so if you've read this far I'm sorry it's so jumbled.

Deep Breathe

Ok - so it's been a while since I posted.

One thing I've learned about myself by having a blog, when I'm depressed or tired or blah I tend to not write or talk alot.

It's just been one of those periods. I don't have alot of blue moods but this one has been an extended one. *sigh

Alot of stress had to do with the person that used to be my sister. Still trying to figure out how to legally change the sister status. I guess Facebook relations will have to do. :)

But more than anything has been Kayla. When all this started in July we read a lot and educated ourselves on leukemia and what to expect. While that's all good and well there's nothing that can prepare you emotionally. And after 5 months of just hair lightly shedding we all thought that she was going to be in that very low percentage of people that don't go bald. One more month and she goes on maintenance and we thought she'd be in the clear. But Sunday she woke up and most - I'm talking massive amounts of hair was left on her pillow. By Tuesday she was 3/4 bald. She was having major meltdowns because of it - she's 14 afterall. Her Mom is getting married Friday (which is a whole different story) and Saturday tons of people will be at the "After the wedding" reception. And here Kayla is - bald, AND with a moonface from all the prednisone. Major meltdown fuel. So Lori took her down and had her head shaved and they went and bought a wig.

This is the pic that sucker punched me and took my breathe away:

But then a few hours later, we have a smiling girl back:

My 19th Anniversary is coming up on the 19th so I'm using that date to shake off all the crud and find my energy and enthusiasm again. But until then I'm just going to wallow for a bit more in self-pity, k?

Take two

I had this oh so long, funny, informative post yesterday and blogger decided it wasn't good enough so *poof* away it went into the blogosphere never to be seen from again. *whimper

This one won't be long, funny or informative. Just warning you.

Had a great time with Kayla and Ashley. She showed no interest in crocheting but continuously beat my butt at Wii. The one time that I won she looked at me and said "Really? You'd beat a kid with cancer?". Brat. Loved Brat.

Mike and Bre made it here safe and home again safe. The inbetween time was great. We had Thanksistmas here at the house. I'm not saying it went off without a hitch, because what holiday is complete without a hitch or two. Like my mother saying she would bring the ham and at the last minute letting me know that she was too tired to do the ham. And then dealing with the mother-in-law not having ham and hearing how she didn't like turkey. Needless to say the mother figure will not be relied on again and is only allowed to bring non-essential items to holiday dinners. Like, say, saltine crackers. Nobody would miss saltine crackers, right?

Then we all headed to the cabin. Beautiful weather, fun family and friends, big bonfire. And a little thing I like to call the Oklahoma Polar Bear Express, or OPBE or even Dawnya's Dumbass Idea. I said earlier in the year - like in July when it's hotter than Hades and it's been long enough to forget how cold it gets - that I was going to jump in the river the Saturday after Tday. So come Friday night I'm hearing a lot of "you won't do it's". I've never grown up past the point of not doing something that someone says I won't do it in that I dare you tone. AND - I had talk to the owner of the cabin that had said that the water was actually warmer than the surrounding air so I wouldn't be cold until I got out. So thinking I had one up on everyone - AND - having talked my gullible sister-in-law into doing this with me come Saturday morning we sprinted out of our nice warm beds and ran and jumped into the river. That man that owns the cabin? He's a freaking LIAR!! Holy mother of all that's good - that water was freaking cold. I lost my breathe and my toes went numb in about 2 seconds flat!

Thank goodness the cabin has two showers! And plenty of hot water!

Aren't you glad this second post about the same crap is so much shorter? :)

Happy Holidays!

Odds and ends again - or maybe it's just odds

Got the inside of the house decorated. Rob's promised to get the outside lights hung before I get back. He's also making an extra leaf for my table as we're having quite a few people for T-day this year. Good man! I think I'll keep him.

Lori's gone to Mexico for a short vacation, so I'm staying with Kayla and Ashley for 3 days. I have to admit, I worry about walking that edge of being an over-protective mom while Lori's gone. I plan on cleaning her house while she's gone. You can tell she's been overwhelmed, so I figure that's one gift easily given.

I've brought my crocheting with me, thinking maybe I can get Kayla interested. She's been so blah, bored and down lately that maybe something none tiring will get her out of the doldrums. I can't imagine how it feels to be a 14 yr old stuck at home, feeling like crap but at the same time being bored out of your mind.

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving plans are coming together!

Home Sweet Home

I've spent this week up at the hospital with my mother. 5 kidney stones removed. Ouch.
I'm tired of hospital food, hospital air and hospital hours, among other things.

I'm starting to decorate the house for Christmas. We're celebrating Christmas on Thanksgiving on my side of teh family. I'm staying with Kayla for 5 days in the middle of the month, so I need to get it done before then. I need a list that I can start checking off. :)

I'm 48 - REALLY?

What the hell happened and where did 20 years of my life go? I don't feel 48, well maybe I do, but when you're 28 you think 48 is oooollllld. And I don't feel oooolllld. We're not counting those mornings, mkay?

Anywhoos, the birthday day was fun. Cook out on the river. Rob made fried mushrooms and balsamic onions and grilled sliders on Hawaiian rolls. It was a beautiful day and the river was peaceful. Had a good croquet match. I will never be generous with Dennis Patrick again and that boy is being "sent" anytime I get the chance!

Kayla's counts are still very low - 275. To start this next round of chemo they need to be 750. They're giving her another week off. The Dr said counts are usually this low at this point in the treatment but that given that they gave her last week off treatment she was hoping to see a bigger bounce back. That's worrisome. And I hate that she has such low counts now that flu season is kicking off. So say some prayers or send good thoughts.

I'm in the process of crocheting scarves for Christmas. I was in the mall a few weeks ago and it looked like crocheted scarves were "in". So for my twin nieces and Bre I'm crocheting scarves for their stocking stuffers. I purchased some very funky and fun yarn online and I have all these buttons from my grandmother so I'm going to use a few in each scarf as adornment.

I bought a black leather shag rug for the living room. Deep cleaning before I put it down. Hopefully the dogs doesn't think it's one big chew toy. I have one under the dining room table that they leave alone but it's smaller and sits underneath something. I don't have a coffee table yet so it'll be wide open.

Birthdays Week and Poached Eggs

This is Birthday week - as I previously posted this was the BFF's 40th, my Mom's is today and mine is Saturday.

I spent the day with my mom at the hospital yesterday. She had a kidney stone that wouldn't pass. She's recuperating today. In a few weeks we'll do it all over again for her other kidney. Fun! No fun birthday for her this year.

Saturday Rob's throwing me a cookout at the river. This. I am looking forward too!

And on a different note - I find myself loving poached eggs. I owe it all to Gordon Ramsey. He always makes a big deal out of a perfectly poached egg, so I took that as a personal challenge. I googled and researched and watched some youtube videos. And then attempted my first poached egg. And then I attempted again - as the first on was a complete failure. By my seventh egg I was a egg poaching machine. They're so silky - I had to search for that word - no grease - egg white cooked thru - yellow warm and runny. Some salt and fresh cracked pepper and yummy! I think Rob is getting a bit burnt out on all the poachy goodness, but I think if I can make a good eggs benedict he'll be happy again. :) Off to watch a few youtubes.

The Big Four Oh

Lori's fortieth was yesterday. And I hurt today. I can't remember the last time I had a hangover. And now I remember again why I don't drink excessively. I blame the Jello shots!

And the chocolate cake shots. And the pineapple upside down cake shots. And the rattlesnake shots. And that shot of moonshine I was dared to take. *groan

As bartender I was the most popular girl at the party. And then we went dancing.

This is directed to my calves. Calves, be prepared. I'm ashamed of you. How can you possibly be this sore after a few hours of dancing?! Be prepared, because you and I are going to get into better shape.

Kayla's feeling better. But her counts are at all time low's. She's going to the Carrie Underwood concert tonight. The Dr gave grudging approval as long as she wears a mask the whole time. And while I have major reserves about this I understand trying to take care of her and let her be a teenager too. I think I tend to be more of the mom in "My Sisters Keeper". It worries me that it's flu season, but they will be in a suite so less people. They did bejewel the mask. :D

Off to find some more asprin.

Date Day

Rob and I had kind of disconnected lately. He was busy, I was busy - it happens sometimes. So we decided we just needed an US day yesterday.

So we got up early and headed into Tulsa. The State Fair was in town so we thought we go to that and be open to anything else.

You have to pass by a Bass Pro Shop to actually get to Tulsa from our house. Lucky me. So Rob looks longingly so being the good wife that I am, we exit and go. I'm a watcher, meaning I like to watch people and either a) make up their life story - this is highly entertaining sitting in an airport lounge. Except you wouldn't believe how many international spies pass thru our airports! And not all of them are handsome. Or b)watch how they interact with their families and surroundings.

I decided after finding a cozy bench on the second floor that overlooks the lower floor that there are four types of men that go to Bass Pro Shop. There are the hunters, there are the fishermen, there are the hunter/fishermen and then there are the guys that heard that if you have a penis and two balls that you should WANT to go to Bass Pro Shop but get there and wonder what all the fuss is about.

I did witness a charming scene of a father and son playing a game of checkers. Or....it was some pervert trying to kidnap a kid. Hmmmm.

Then we stopped at a party store and picked up shot glasses for the party next weekend. And killed about an hour in Barnes and Noble. I love their comfy chairs!

Then off to the fair we went. Us and EVERYONE else in and around the state! Parking was horrendous. But it was all worth it when the ticket woman told me I had great hair! :D

I should never be allowed to go to a fair. Ever - it's dentrimental to my health - I tried chocolate covered bacon and took one bite - ok, two - bites of a hamburger who's bun was a - ok, two - krispy creme doughnuts. But I balanced it out with a roasted ear of corn and a freshly squeezed lemonade.

It's also detrimental to my pocketbook. I'm a self confessed kitchen gadget whore. *hangs head I can't help it. Those hawkers are hypnotists. My steps faulter even with Rob pulling me along and pretty soon I'm at a complete stop. Then my head starts nodding in agreement when they're telling me I can't live without The Miracle Kitchen Whiz, or whatever that piece of plastic that now resides in my cabinet is called. It's not until the next morning that their spell wears off and I feel a little disoreinted and wonder where that Whiz came from!

After sitting in the beer garden and trying a Scottish lager, not bad, we wandered back to the car. Broke, tired but reconnected. Yay us.

Softball, scarves and boys

So last night was Ashley's - Kayla's big sister -senior night softball game. For those of you unfamiliar with school sports - senior night is the night the senior's on the team are honored along with their parents. It is not the night that senior's get in free.

Anywhoos, we were all there. I forgot our chairs. I am not a blechers girl - they kill my back so I was sad that my chair was an hour away. :( Kayla braved the bleachers to sit next to me. With her chair sitting empty I did the eyeball coveting thing all night. *sigh I'm really selfish inside.

Of course Kayla and I were the only ones whooping and hollering. Everyone politely clapped when others names were called. I told Kayla - give out a big old whoop when they call Ash -Ashley said "I knew they were going to do that!" We giggled. :D

She now has a boyfriend - because of the Asperger's was kept back a grade so he's in her grade but is a younger man. :) She made a point of saying that, I told her all the smart women got them young and trained them the way they wanted. That's what I did with Rob. She says he asks how she's feeling everyday and calls alot. He was the one assigned to be her homework buddy - which I think is a great program.

Anyway, that's my update.

Hypocrites in the dark

You know, I don't know if I'm just really on edge right now and things are just hitting me wrong but I'm really sick of people.

I'm tired of people on the moral high horse exposing the virtues of not living together before marriage and sitting an example for the kids while I know for a fact you've cheated on every spouse you've had.

And yes, I know I'm probably a little touchy about being told in a round about way that I set a bad example for Bre by living with Rob for 13 years before marrying him. But you can just suck it.

I'm tired of being told I should go to church and be more religious while I know for a fact that you, who goes to church and touts religion like it's a bugle to blow, stabbed you're own kids in the back when it came to their inheritance from their grandparents. They're struggling from paycheck to paycheck and you're building a 4 car garage onto your house. *disclaimer - this is not about me

Hmmm, I think I'll take my position with God over yours any day.

I'm tired of a sibling that is completly and utterly psycho. That befriends 20 year olds so she can feel young again, while I know her kids are wondering why she can't be a Mom to them.

People are just pissing me off!

I wish too

Kayla turns 14 today. She turns 14 while she lays in a hospital bed at Children's Hospital waiting for her next round of chemo. How's that for a sucky ass birthday! I sent balloons. Whoopee.

She went in yesterday and received a round, they kept her last night and she gets another one today at 3:30. I talked to her on the phone for a bit and she sounded good. She said "I'm 14!" and then said "I wish" and then stopped and said "nevermind". We all know what the rest of that sentence is. I wish too.

I had a friend send me a necklace to give her - it's 3 silver rings on a chain. One says Love, another says Hope and the last says Strength. That's Kayla. It's perfect. She's perfect.

All about Bre

She has always been the light in my life - so while all the crap is swirling around I figured what better way to shove it all away for a bit than by focusing on her.

So here's my "all about Bre" post.

The university finally reviewed her Smartscript from the Navy and will accept 33 hours. She needed them to accept 32 in order to graduate next December. Yay! So she went from starting her sophmore year to starting her junior year in one day. You know where I'll be come December 2011! She'll then be applying to the Armed Services medical school. I'll let you know when to start keeping fingers crossed, saying prayers, ect.

She just finished running her first Half marathon. Which she didn't train for. The two weeks prior to the run, she spent in Florida doing her two weeks for the Navy reserves. She amazes me, and I have to admit that her athleticism came from her bio father's gene pool. Because no one on my side of the family would ever think about running any type of marathon. :)

She volunteers for a hospice and her first lady she visited with weekly passed away recently. She's kept in touch with the woman's husband and he called the woman in charge of the hospice to tell her how grateful he was that Bre had been sent to them. The woman took the time to call me (she has this wonderful Scottish accent that I could have listened to all day) to tell me what a special kid I had. I know. :)

Somewhere in the past six years she's gone from being this great kid I was lucky enough to be the one to raise, to this amazing woman that I'm in awe of. Whatever power it is that assigns kids to moms I thank from the bottom of my heart for giving her to me.

Even the teen years were worth it after all. :D

Was hoping for a better month

I'd planned on having Kayla stay with me for a few days this week. She could use a break and so could Mom. But her counts hit a record low of 300 so she's homebound for a while.

The doctor said that the first month the steroid could give a false positive high count, which it did. So now that she's off the steroid her true counts are showing. Which means she's basically at home. This treatment lasts for 56 days, but hopefully her counts will rebound before this leg of the treatment is up.

The math teacher is her homeschool teacher. She visited yesterday and will come twice a week. Mainly it's just the core subjects they'll be pushing and electives she can either do or not. I hate it, because she'd just found a love of drama last year and now can't participate. Stupid disease!

She's still just lightly shedding, no dramatic hair loss yet. Thank goodness.

Dad is going to resume visitation soon, which will be good for Mom. She's been carrying alot on her shoulders.

Anyway, I'm glad a sucky summer is almost over. Sorry Boo.

Divorcing a Sister

I think it should be legal.

I don't even know where to start. My sister and I have not always had a good relationship but over the past few years I thought we'd become close, or at least as close as we'd ever be.

Even though I totally disagree with her relationship with a married man I haven't shunned her and when she's needed to talk I listen. I don't sugar-coat how I feel about what she's been doing but I don't damn her either. And my door has always been open when she's needed somewhere to escape to, which she has used frequently over the past two years, sometimes for weeks at a time.

So the recent issue started when I went with Ashley down to Dallas. That was the week that the boyfriend was with his legitimate family in Mexico on vacation. In the past she's always crashed at my house during those times. I didn't invite her to go with us to Dallas, in fact I didn't even think about it, and if I had I wouldn't have anyway. She's never shown an interest in softball, she's only met Ash twice, and it would have been like keeping a 3 year old entertained while we were down there.

The next issue she has is that even though she didn't show up once to help with the renovation of our mother's kitchen her nose is out of joint about not being invited to the celebratory float trip. Ok, she showed up once. Dressed to the nines, sat and talked for an hour or so and then said she had plans and had to leave. All while my brother and I cut tile and hung backboard and sweated our butts off in 100 degree heat. And in all honesty - I knew she'd be upset over not being invited and I didn't care.

So now she's not talking to me for slights she's made into molehills. And has texted me that I don't understand what has happened and that she's traumatized. Whut?! About what? When asked to explain she says she doesn't want to add to MY plate. What the hell? She uses sentences like "it takes me back to some memories from some place I don't even know". Again - whut?! My not inviting you to Dallas where I'm taking care of Kayla's big sister at a week long softball tournament and then not inviting you to a float trip where you really didn't deserve an invite has traumatized you? I wish I had her problems, but I think I could handle it alot better.

I just can't deal with her drama right now. I think the problem is she's not the center of attention, any attention.

So do you think that if I say "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you" it will work.

Yeah, I didn't think so. And I'm sure this will just be a footnote at some point. But thanks for letting me rant.

First step of treatment - complete

When her treatment plan was first given out the doctor gave us a hand out - a flowchart - with a right and left side. Kind of one of those in magazines where if you answer "yes" then you follow this arrow and "no" you follow that arrow. Well, in this flow chart you always want your arrow to follow the left-side of the page. That's the half of the page that you follow when you're responding to treatment well and it's the less aggressive side with the best results.

She's finished the first leg of treatment - that first crucial month - and been able to stay on the "left side of the page". They wanted her bone marrow to be producing 0% leukemic cells at this point - she's producing 1% but that still keeps her within expected range.

Now she starts the second leg - starting today the chemo doesn't include Prednisone but they are adding the drug that makes you really nauseated and dehydrated. So her moon face and some of the anger will subside over the next couple of weeks but she'll be sick alot more. There are no good side effects to any of this.

Some good finacial news - her dad had gotten laid off this past year and kept his insurance coverage with Cobra, he recently found another job with insurance and had sent in his Cobra letter ending coverage. They never received it. So she has primary and secondary insurance. So even though the insurance companies are fighting about who's primary in the long run the treatment will pretty much be covered. In addition, mom had taken out an Aflac cancer rider on herself this past year, she figured since she's a smoker it wouldn't hurt. She just found out that when she did that they automatically put her kids on it also. So she will get a large check with the initial claim and they will pay 900.00 for every chemo treatment. She's very relieved because she can hire a tutor for Kayla while she's out of school for these first 6 months. And even though everyone would wish that none of this had to be considered good news or needed it sure is a weight off both of their shoulders. Now they can just focus on Kayla and not worry about the mounting bills.